Rachel, you are the soul of kindness. I have been on both sides of the counter, too. Sometimes, it was a small thing - complimenting someone’s shoes or hair - that helped me get through the day. And maybe it did the same for the other person.
Mary, I could feel my blood pressure and my rage rising as you described the tax debacle. I have been there, getting more and more frustrated. The fact you stopped and switched gears shows a grace I don't think I have. Much love as always.
Noah, thank you for sharing this. I have also been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh comments. I got worked up about something really insignificant in the big picture. But at some point, you realize that it’s hurt and sadness and anger that a loved one is gone that’s driving your behavior. And that’s when you recognize that we are all suffering in one way or another. It was a chance to see the love that my husband put into the house in which we raised such wonderful children. He lives on.❤️
I was always partial to Tom because I think Matthew McFayden (sp?) is such a brilliant actor. We first saw him in MI 5, the British spy series. I love how he could switch between complete sycophancy and total malignant narcissism. I honestly thought, right from the beginning, that he would win out. I don’t know if the writers planned it that way. And I do think that Tom and Shiv deserved each other.
Mary, this is a heartfelt, poignant post; your grief for your husband is palpable in your beautifully crafted words. I am so sorry for your profound loss. I felt your anger and frustration at the tax people. How terrible they are! I know it's their job, but too many employers/employees have no heart. I agree with what Rachel says: we must treat each other as human beings. Everyone has a story. Thank you for sharing yours.
Beth, thank you for your generous words. I think that there are jobs that are by nature soul-crushing. And a lot of them are public-facing. It’s toxic. I’ve been on both sides of the counter, as I said. But can be tough to pull back, especially if you’re not dealing with someone face-to-face.🙏
I have been reading for awhile and want to leave some kind of comment to show the impact of your work, but I feel a little speechless. You always leave it all on the table, making more words feel superfluous. I'm so grateful for your writing.
Rita, thank you! I try to look for the deep meaning behind our experiences, and the way we frame them. And there’s often humor in that. It felt so weird at first, conversing with my dead husband. But now it’s natural. Didn’t think that would happen. But I’m practicing acceptance. It makes the hard times easier to get through.
Acceptance is definitely a practice, isn’t it? I love the way your writing always tells a story, and the meaning emerges from the story. And humor is always a balm.
Great work as always. I've received mail for family members that have long passed away and it's always a gut punch no matter how many times I call to let them know to stop. The one that hurt the most is a piece of mail from Saint Jude's hospital for my grandmother who passed away in 2017, she was a regular donor. It was the one that says 'we miss hearing from you' or something of that nature, and like yeah, so do I.
Thank you, Daniel. I just got a check from State Farm for some class-action settlement, and wonder if I can cash it. Guess I can call the bank. We had a joint account. The letter from St. Jude’s does sound like a tough one. I do brace myself when I go to the mailbox.
Jenna, thank you. I needed to walk off the sadness and anger and maybe get God’s attention. Who knows. But getting out to a place I knew was special to him gave me a sense of connection.
Oh Mary.. Thank you for this, I felt every word - I was angry with you, sad with you, and buoyed with you at the end. You carry us with you and I am so grateful for your vulnerability. <3
I love this so much! I am married to a Dead Guy, who left the physical world Feb 2021. Just began prep to leave our house behind, to move adult son & myself nearer to his girlfriend, my sisters, and other connections. I am taking loads of pictures and trying to imagine the last walk-through. It isn’t an easy transition, I tell you. Photographs & memories, are all I will have, until my own eternal departure, but new adventures await. I’m both driven and terrified!
Elizabeth, my deepest condolences for your loss. It isn’t easy. I’m glad you have loved ones to share the burdens of moving and resettling. And the photos will bring good memories. Thank you for sharing your story.🙏
I felt this. After my husband died, handling unexpected tasks or challenges could be triggering. My internal, initial response used to be one of frustration, almost feeling freaked out. I made sure to reel myself in before responding, and to check on what was bothering me and what I needed, which is what you have done. I learned more about myself and my emotions during the first couple of years than at any other time period in my life.
Gradually, it became easier to shift perspective. I recall having to go twice to the county assessor to update the deed. This wasn't their fault. Everything seemed buggered at the beginning of the pandemic.
The other issue for me was regaining confidence that I would and could be ok and still handle the normal and unusual challenges of life after becoming widowed. After 4+ years, I'm moving more and more into new experiences and finding I am capable, and have gotten better at relating to people. It seems necessary for me to open a new chapter in my life. I am just at the beginning now.
It is a gift to be able to turn attention back to love and patience with myself and others. Although, I have not stayed with telecomm or auto insurance services that charged "widow's tax."
And, I wonder if the mail for the deceased person ever stops.
Felice, thank you for sharing your story. It’s been so hard to deal with the mundane and quotidian things. To figure out what is important and what’s impossible. I feel off-balance most of the time. Hard to feel confident about anything.
I’m heartened to learn that things improved over time. Right now, it’s just a challenge to buy groceries. But my children are a big help. My daughter came over and mowed my lawn. Thank goodness for that! It was almost a foot high.
I don’t know if I’ve encountered the “widow’s tax.” I know my homeowners insurance has changed, but am not sure why.
I am glad to share and grateful for your sharing. Your writing inspires me to think my ideas through with greater care. And to reflect. Thank you for your meaningful writing.
I think confusion and loss of confidence are a "normal" part of adjusting to such a huge loss and change. I'm glad your children are there to help you. It took me a while yo trust that I could take care of the house on my own. Everything seemed big.
Trust and confidence will grow again with love, compassion and patience, I believe.
Felice, I am so very grateful that you’re here. It always helps to have someone who has been there to share their understanding.
I’m honored that my writing has helped you in some way with your own work. The sense of community here is deeply moving to me. It is why I write. Substack is where I live now, and it’s wonderful.
It is wonderful and a more than a bit magical to have been drawn here to Substack. I see so many supportive and genuinely good, creative people interacting here.
I've stayed pretty quiet these past 2 months, as I was preparing and then selling my (once was "our") house. It was a big step for me and another round of learning to trust and have confidence in myself again.
The family visit today was possible because I just moved cross country. My amazing grand niece of 2.5 months is the first new life in our family for a few decades. 🥰😍🤩 🎉🧸
I hope to brave being more present here, even if just responding to others.
My insurance went up $18 after I removed my husband from it - even though it’s one person instead of two and I work from home and don’t commute like he did. And yet it’s still the best option. Widows tax is written into the policy prices here in Ontario.
Wow. I did get a message from my agent that he wanted to sit down and discuss the changes in my policy. But this is a guy I’ve never met, who bullies me on the phone, and that my husband stayed with for decades. Total misogynist. I wish I’d gotten around to switching agents sooner. Hope I can do that without his coming out to the house (he’s never been here) and trying to cross my threshold.
I hope that you do get to change agents to someone that treats you with respect.
For the most part, I have been grateful to business people and repair people over these years. There were a couple of repair people I would not call back to my house. I felt that they did not respect boundaries or quote repairs fairly. Trust and respect matter, moreso when when people experience loss or other challenges. That is my two cents.
When I was not sure if I was being objective,, I asked friends for their perspective on my concerns.
I gladly share with others the business names of people who did a good job, were reliable, respectful and fair.
I hear that it isn’t hard to change agents within the same company. I just didn’t feel motivated until I got his text. I’m fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood of people who are on good terms with each other and happy to share their experiences. It can be challenging for small tasks, however.
A beloved cousin of mine will often text, "You've got this." Three words that help any time there is fear or doubt. It's clear there is so much love and support surrounding you. With the grace that you embody, and the wisdom, courage and experience you bring to life, you've got this. Every small task, every step, every bit, you've got this.
Yes, my auto insurance went up even though I had been insured with the company long before my husband and I were married. My telecomm provider rewarded me informing them that the service needed to be changed to just my name by raised the rate closer to $40 more. I had also been with them a long time.
I moved both services to other providers. I bundled the insurance with home insurance, so it saved a bit.
As a person who’s often behind a counter, I’ve always said to myself, “Treat everyone gently and lovingly. You don’t know their story.”
And what a story it is.❤️
Rachel, you are the soul of kindness. I have been on both sides of the counter, too. Sometimes, it was a small thing - complimenting someone’s shoes or hair - that helped me get through the day. And maybe it did the same for the other person.
As always, vivid and moving.
Thank you, Bill. You are so kind.🙏
Mary, I could feel my blood pressure and my rage rising as you described the tax debacle. I have been there, getting more and more frustrated. The fact you stopped and switched gears shows a grace I don't think I have. Much love as always.
Noah, thank you for sharing this. I have also been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh comments. I got worked up about something really insignificant in the big picture. But at some point, you realize that it’s hurt and sadness and anger that a loved one is gone that’s driving your behavior. And that’s when you recognize that we are all suffering in one way or another. It was a chance to see the love that my husband put into the house in which we raised such wonderful children. He lives on.❤️
Tom. It was always Tom, the one we loved to hate. What did she see in him? Such a mis-match. Or was it?
I was always partial to Tom because I think Matthew McFayden (sp?) is such a brilliant actor. We first saw him in MI 5, the British spy series. I love how he could switch between complete sycophancy and total malignant narcissism. I honestly thought, right from the beginning, that he would win out. I don’t know if the writers planned it that way. And I do think that Tom and Shiv deserved each other.
I could not love your writing more. 💛
Thank you, Amanda. You are so kind.🙏❤️
Mary, this is a heartfelt, poignant post; your grief for your husband is palpable in your beautifully crafted words. I am so sorry for your profound loss. I felt your anger and frustration at the tax people. How terrible they are! I know it's their job, but too many employers/employees have no heart. I agree with what Rachel says: we must treat each other as human beings. Everyone has a story. Thank you for sharing yours.
Beth, thank you for your generous words. I think that there are jobs that are by nature soul-crushing. And a lot of them are public-facing. It’s toxic. I’ve been on both sides of the counter, as I said. But can be tough to pull back, especially if you’re not dealing with someone face-to-face.🙏
I was moved by your essay.
Thank you, Liz.🙏
You’re welcome, Mary.
I have been reading for awhile and want to leave some kind of comment to show the impact of your work, but I feel a little speechless. You always leave it all on the table, making more words feel superfluous. I'm so grateful for your writing.
Rita, thank you! I try to look for the deep meaning behind our experiences, and the way we frame them. And there’s often humor in that. It felt so weird at first, conversing with my dead husband. But now it’s natural. Didn’t think that would happen. But I’m practicing acceptance. It makes the hard times easier to get through.
Acceptance is definitely a practice, isn’t it? I love the way your writing always tells a story, and the meaning emerges from the story. And humor is always a balm.
I love that you walked three miles to mail the check.
Beautiful writing, as usual.
Great work as always. I've received mail for family members that have long passed away and it's always a gut punch no matter how many times I call to let them know to stop. The one that hurt the most is a piece of mail from Saint Jude's hospital for my grandmother who passed away in 2017, she was a regular donor. It was the one that says 'we miss hearing from you' or something of that nature, and like yeah, so do I.
Thank you, Daniel. I just got a check from State Farm for some class-action settlement, and wonder if I can cash it. Guess I can call the bank. We had a joint account. The letter from St. Jude’s does sound like a tough one. I do brace myself when I go to the mailbox.
Jenna, thank you. I needed to walk off the sadness and anger and maybe get God’s attention. Who knows. But getting out to a place I knew was special to him gave me a sense of connection.
Oh Mary.. Thank you for this, I felt every word - I was angry with you, sad with you, and buoyed with you at the end. You carry us with you and I am so grateful for your vulnerability. <3
Mesa, you are an angel. Thank you.🙏❤️
So relatable in grief. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you, Peg.💕
I love this so much! I am married to a Dead Guy, who left the physical world Feb 2021. Just began prep to leave our house behind, to move adult son & myself nearer to his girlfriend, my sisters, and other connections. I am taking loads of pictures and trying to imagine the last walk-through. It isn’t an easy transition, I tell you. Photographs & memories, are all I will have, until my own eternal departure, but new adventures await. I’m both driven and terrified!
Elizabeth, my deepest condolences for your loss. It isn’t easy. I’m glad you have loved ones to share the burdens of moving and resettling. And the photos will bring good memories. Thank you for sharing your story.🙏
I felt this. After my husband died, handling unexpected tasks or challenges could be triggering. My internal, initial response used to be one of frustration, almost feeling freaked out. I made sure to reel myself in before responding, and to check on what was bothering me and what I needed, which is what you have done. I learned more about myself and my emotions during the first couple of years than at any other time period in my life.
Gradually, it became easier to shift perspective. I recall having to go twice to the county assessor to update the deed. This wasn't their fault. Everything seemed buggered at the beginning of the pandemic.
The other issue for me was regaining confidence that I would and could be ok and still handle the normal and unusual challenges of life after becoming widowed. After 4+ years, I'm moving more and more into new experiences and finding I am capable, and have gotten better at relating to people. It seems necessary for me to open a new chapter in my life. I am just at the beginning now.
It is a gift to be able to turn attention back to love and patience with myself and others. Although, I have not stayed with telecomm or auto insurance services that charged "widow's tax."
And, I wonder if the mail for the deceased person ever stops.
Felice, thank you for sharing your story. It’s been so hard to deal with the mundane and quotidian things. To figure out what is important and what’s impossible. I feel off-balance most of the time. Hard to feel confident about anything.
I’m heartened to learn that things improved over time. Right now, it’s just a challenge to buy groceries. But my children are a big help. My daughter came over and mowed my lawn. Thank goodness for that! It was almost a foot high.
I don’t know if I’ve encountered the “widow’s tax.” I know my homeowners insurance has changed, but am not sure why.
The mail. Probably forever.
Thank you again for your kind and tender words.❤️
I am glad to share and grateful for your sharing. Your writing inspires me to think my ideas through with greater care. And to reflect. Thank you for your meaningful writing.
I think confusion and loss of confidence are a "normal" part of adjusting to such a huge loss and change. I'm glad your children are there to help you. It took me a while yo trust that I could take care of the house on my own. Everything seemed big.
Trust and confidence will grow again with love, compassion and patience, I believe.
I apologize for typos. I am sneaking a few minutes on my phone while visiting my sister and great niece, not able to find a way to edit.
😊Kids these days.
Felice, I am so very grateful that you’re here. It always helps to have someone who has been there to share their understanding.
I’m honored that my writing has helped you in some way with your own work. The sense of community here is deeply moving to me. It is why I write. Substack is where I live now, and it’s wonderful.
It is wonderful and a more than a bit magical to have been drawn here to Substack. I see so many supportive and genuinely good, creative people interacting here.
I've stayed pretty quiet these past 2 months, as I was preparing and then selling my (once was "our") house. It was a big step for me and another round of learning to trust and have confidence in myself again.
The family visit today was possible because I just moved cross country. My amazing grand niece of 2.5 months is the first new life in our family for a few decades. 🥰😍🤩 🎉🧸
I hope to brave being more present here, even if just responding to others.
My insurance went up $18 after I removed my husband from it - even though it’s one person instead of two and I work from home and don’t commute like he did. And yet it’s still the best option. Widows tax is written into the policy prices here in Ontario.
Wow. I did get a message from my agent that he wanted to sit down and discuss the changes in my policy. But this is a guy I’ve never met, who bullies me on the phone, and that my husband stayed with for decades. Total misogynist. I wish I’d gotten around to switching agents sooner. Hope I can do that without his coming out to the house (he’s never been here) and trying to cross my threshold.
I hope that you do get to change agents to someone that treats you with respect.
For the most part, I have been grateful to business people and repair people over these years. There were a couple of repair people I would not call back to my house. I felt that they did not respect boundaries or quote repairs fairly. Trust and respect matter, moreso when when people experience loss or other challenges. That is my two cents.
When I was not sure if I was being objective,, I asked friends for their perspective on my concerns.
I gladly share with others the business names of people who did a good job, were reliable, respectful and fair.
I hear that it isn’t hard to change agents within the same company. I just didn’t feel motivated until I got his text. I’m fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood of people who are on good terms with each other and happy to share their experiences. It can be challenging for small tasks, however.
A beloved cousin of mine will often text, "You've got this." Three words that help any time there is fear or doubt. It's clear there is so much love and support surrounding you. With the grace that you embody, and the wisdom, courage and experience you bring to life, you've got this. Every small task, every step, every bit, you've got this.
Yes, my auto insurance went up even though I had been insured with the company long before my husband and I were married. My telecomm provider rewarded me informing them that the service needed to be changed to just my name by raised the rate closer to $40 more. I had also been with them a long time.
I moved both services to other providers. I bundled the insurance with home insurance, so it saved a bit.
I don't understand widow's tax.
Heart breaks.